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IV. of hearts as one at once EXHAUSTED, & from a future lost, then HAUNTED; part II: HAUNTED (demo version)

by zach chase

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1.
morning waits, like me, to break as i lay half here awake in a place that i love to hate in the place where we used to say this is where we'll begin again & this is where we'll remember when we were us, when we were as one & as morning waits, i begin to break... & so my life passes me by as i stare into the void of night memories of you & me with every blink, you're all i see the shades mute illumination, while under the bedsheets, i'm hallucinating exhausted & haunted, i'm falling for you all over again, & again i can't erase it no matter how wasted that i get it never fades & all that escapes me is time as i lie here & i lie pretending that i am alive... & so my life passes me by while i'm trying to avoid the light & trying to remember why & who was i before you & i all i am is all i was i've lost myself inside of us exhausted & haunted i'm falling for you all over again, & again...
2.
you have two sisters one of whom looks just exactly like you & though you all carry your own tune you share in a chorus of joy & truth & i love your love you have two sisters both of whom know just how deeply i care for you they took me in & made me feel at home where i got to share in the three of you glowing & i love your love we all took a trip to the ocean when our relationship was broken but your sisters kept us floating your sisters kept us hoping but i lost you love now i hope someday to see you again i hope someday to say thank you again to you & your sisters & your mom & dad for being so kind & for making me laugh cuz i miss your love i miss their love i miss your love i loved your love
3.
in my dreams, i'm lying in my dreams, i'm trying to say that i wish i were drifting away lost at sea, & i've just got to see what's underneath, on the inside of me but swimming, i sigh & lie, that tomorrow i will try to be alive & i watch the stars fall as still as me, while i challenge my heart to just believe, in the better part of me & in my dreams, i'm watching you in my sleep, i'm talking right to you promising that i will write to you i lick the stamp, & i lick my wounds send this & them off, but not to you no, these letters, they'll never, ever get to you return to sender, because i'm just not ready to surrender my misery yet, & not to you & i watch the stars fall as still as me, while i challenge my heart to just believe, in the better part of me your chain's around my neck, & your reading of Faulkner is the best, but this kiss is of no consequence just like the look in your eyes when you left again because i never was the man that you thought that i should be & even though, you'd always held out hope everyday i had to know that you were going to have to go yeah, i guess you had to go & i watch the stars fall as still as me, while i challenge my heart to just believe, in the better part of me
4.
i was wrapped up in the sound, oh the sound, the sound of your hushed voice while you were whispering lovely things to me, i was drifting out to sea, where i could see, i could see in the deep everything that we might be & it was a dream, obviously, but what was it she said to me? about dreams & parallel realities, oh, what was it she said to me, as i drifted out into the deep, the deep, deep, sea of sleep & in these abstractions of mine i get distracted by the cracks in our history where we were once upon a time distorts, into a stylized lie & i realize that inside my wide open wandering mind our potential is still alive, but it lives inside my wide open wandering mind, where i'm accompanied by your sweet nothings, your sweet, sweet nothing sounds, oh, your sweet nothings, your sweet nothings, your sweet, sweet nothing sights & all the lines of our life & times, that i've traced & mined have corroded & imploded over all this time & turned to a paraphrased paradise of your sweet nothings, your sweet, sweet nothing sounds, oh, your sweet nothings, your sweet nothings, your sweet, sweet nothing sights & sounds surround, surround me & drown me in your sweet nothing sights & sounds
5.
& she asked me gently won't you let me let you in then she leaned into my life with a kiss in her eyes the moment remains now recurs every night in a summer haze, an autumn daze, a winters maze the spring of us, & the sounds, remain would you really rush out & fall in love could you really hush out the sounds of us so are you really gone now or is this another bluff how could you have hushed out the sounds of us did you really rush out & fall in love how did you just hush out the sounds of us oh, the sounds, the sounds of us hush, hush, hush...
6.
she's got these magic, kind, bright, chocolate eyes she's got this pain she's hiding trying for one more nice night & as we spun around painting the town, her in that dress, me oblivious her magic, kind, bright, chocolate eyes were saying goodbye she kissed me on the cheek, but didn't say goodbye, she couldn't quite say goodbye she smiled into the sky & began to cry, she began to cry while i was paralyzed & aching in her eyes, her bright eyes she smiled into the sky & we held tight for the last time now i sleep to maybe dream to maybe see you & i drink to dream out loud & get my thoughts through i get my thoughts through this way best & i sleep just to maybe dream to maybe see you back in that dress & i drink to dream out loud & get my thoughts through, i get my thoughts through this way best
7.
you're in the passenger seat, watching the sky while i'm driving fast, you're gettin' high; we're feelin' the rush in a field of dust & watching the sky reflecting our lives, reflected in our eyes & we wonder what's ever meant to be while i stumble & see, you plan, for you & me; suddenly, you grab me, & you say, 'please, don't ever give in to the great decay, just take me away, take me away, & we'll be okay' now time goes on, sometimes without me because i linger on, daydreaming these past scenes come on whiskey lullaby, come on quickly, dull her eyes because that shade of brown's too bright for me & i can't sleep please, take me away come on whiskey lullaby, come on quickly, dull her eyes, because that shade of brown's too bright for me & i can't sleep.
8.
so here we are laying under the stars & we're so far from the end her forehead on my forehead staring straight in my eyes, she said, 'remember everything' my best friend said don't you dare as in acting class i stared but my heart was already there at awful al's on the sixteenth postcards from italy & holding hands in the backseat then later on in the townhouses pictures from her ecuador trip & then she bit my lower lip the way that she held my hand how every step she took was a dance; i remember everything from the top of the thousand stairs & all those wonderful dresses she'd wear; i remember everything the summer of stars & margaritas & the way she said empanadas; i remember everything sex, drugs, & cocoa puffs tori amos & happy drums; i remember everything the yellow house & the afternoon of extravagant delight in june; i remember everything the g-train on new years eve what a wonderful way to freeze; i remember everything six hours on a greyhound bus until her tiny room outgrew us; i remember everything her blue vest & bubblegum hair i'm sorry i wasn't there; i remember everything the rain on twenty seventh street & her message asking me to meet; i remember everything so here we are laying under the stars & we're so far from then but sometimes in my dreams we'll meet up & we'll see pieces of everything playing on a moonlit screen the film reel of our memories from when we were everything & it's all just as it was we're back to being us my beloved monster & me but then the morning comes & the sun wakes me up & it's always only a dream but in her chocolate eyes, i swear there's a knowing smile there, saying, that our dreams are everything so here we are laying under the stars two broken halves of one heart
9.
i'm still spinning still leaning on this window sill steady eyes racing towards the past blur the present & let this last there's a quiet here, for now & you feel near, but how do i let you go, when i just got hold of a place of peace, where it's just you & me & we danced on quicksand, & you sank into my hands suspended & mended & there we are you were the fiction in my heart the living literature that lit up the dark parts of my dreams, a parallel you & me & we can stay hidden here & though we've all but faded, dear our love won't disappear same as all the stars burned out & far from here & we danced on quicksand & you sank into my hands suspended & mended & there we are... in the dark between the stars

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released January 1, 2010

all words & music (written, performed, & recorded) by zach chase, copyright 2010.

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