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IV. of hearts as one at once EXHAUSTED, & from a future lost, then HAUNTED; part 1: EXHAUSTED (demo version)

by zach chase

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1.
i don't know what to say, i just know that you're not okay i've been listening to your breathing, & i've been wishing that you could let me in because in the night, here in the dark, you know i'm your light, & i'll steady your heart & when you need more than sympathy, i will hold your hand, & let you lay into me & i love the air that you breathe into my ears, & into me as we're whispering, though we don't know why 'cause we're all alone, under this empty sky as we sing soft, we find our sweet spot & as we walk these frozen blocks, we trace our steam, like scenes in a dream & i mark the bark in fort greene park with a wooden heart, you call it modern art then you tilt your head to meet my eyes, & the stars stay hidden, but you've got a light as we sing soft, we find our sweet spot & you underscore the circumstance with a revolution, a simple dance
2.
she welcomes some sunshine into her dreams because waking up from this is exactly what she needs but with a subtle, fluttering lift of her heavy eyelids she's still not ready to see what today has to say now underneath the bedsheets she is underneath the sea descending steadily with the intentions she needs me to see with all the thoughts that she would drown if she had any control but when the tide comes in only she is washed away so come on, make it okay, please, make this okay & so she's trying to sleep, still & trying to dream, still about the way that it was when our hearts were as one about the way my hand fit on the underside of her thigh & about the way that we never used to really ever even have to try so come on, make it okay, please, make this okay
3.
let's just lay here, for a while let's just wander for miles & miles because this more than might, be the end now i remember all the good & i remember all the bad but worst of all, i remember all we could have had i remember all we should have had i said the flowers come up just for you but you said no, no that isn't true no just cuz you said it to me that doesn't make me believe that it is true i said the waves are waving right at you but you said no, no that isn't true no, just cuz you say some pretty things to me that doesn't make me believe that they are true & the same goes for you i promise her everything all the time but all she feels is lie, after lie & i look her straight in her chocolate eyes but all she feels is me looking at the sky & i said i'll never go away but she said there is just no way that you can promise that to me because tomorrow is never today ever again but i insisted anyway again, & again i promise her everything all the time but all she feels is lie, after lie & i look her straight in her chocolate eyes but all she feels is me looking at the sky this waterfall is minor & this memory is subdued these tried up tears on your cheeks they taste like salt, the taste like my fault now i remember all the good & i remember all the bad but worst of all, i remember all we would have had
4.
i've got things to say to you & i've got things to prove to you these are confessions, these are things that i've been messing up so i'll buy you a drink if you'll spend your time with me now, you don't unerstand that i understand & i don't care if you treat me like shit for a bit but you've just gotta stop it when i tap out but you could never hear that bell & i never wanted to yell thunderstorm rolling in like you outta the room, in the yellow house where you're red hot with what you found out but you don't know what you're talking about & now things between us are not okay & i'm not okay with these way you feel about me these things we're saying, they're no okay & how did we get so far away from the way that we used to be i guess it's really not a mystery & sometimes you just can't see the forest for the trees & you only want what you don't need but you're still everything to me thunderstorm rolling in like you outta the room, in the yellow house where you're red hot with what you found out but you don't know what you're talking about & i say the same old boring, cliche shit & you dig deep into what you know will hurt me & we were once a match made up in heaven but now i'm holding matches & you're feeling unleaded & i hate to fight as much as i hate to lie but this distance between us has rendered secrets that we don't speak of & now it's time ot let go, & let you know, i know thunderstorm rolling in like you outta the room, in the yellow house where you're red hot & i know, yeah i know what you're talking about... but i never fell out of love with you i just fell under the spell of someone new & the same i know, i know it goes for you so now what are we supposed to do? what the hell are we gonna do? i don't wanna say goodbye to you & you say i know, i love you, too
5.
you're holding on you're holding on to you're holding on too long i watched you wave me away but i could feel you saying 'stay' you're holding on too long now i've got no sense of direction left talking in circles & walking down dead ends i'm holding on i'm holding on to i'm holding on to nothing & i've got no sense of direction left talking in circles & walking down dead ends & the end is imminent but the end isn't permanent we could still be friends, she says we might even be lovers again but for let's give space a try there's so many worlds out there maybe we'll find one where love is fair but for now this is goodbye & i've got no sense of direction left talking in circles & walking down dead ends i'm holding on too long
6.
our house is empty now let's take one last look around right there was our third kiss & over there was our bucket list & we almost did everything; we almost had everything now out on the front lawn we melt in the muggy dawn is that sweat or tears were these days or years under the summer sun we freeze time & run but you had to go, & i miss you so you call me late at night to tell me it'll be alright if you come & visit me we'll share in our misery the distance between us now is just superficial how soon can you be here i'm buying the ticket, dear now let's fall asleep on the phone so we won't be alone & so here i go, i'm coming to you my head against the bus window my heart is inside my throat i'm staring through the skyline every minute's a hundred miles wide i'm running through the station now i see you running through the crowd is that sweat or tears were these days or years you crash into me, & i can finally breathe & it feels like we're falling in love all over again if all good things have to end then we were the greatest thing to have ever been yeah, we were the greatest thing
7.
this was all for us, please don't say this was all for naught oh, my love cuz i remember the look in your eyes when they were inside mine oh, my love so i hang on to your ledge & i sleep at the foot of your bed because we can't forget the things that we said that we never really meant no, we just felt them at the time & i wonder will i ever feel you again i swear i'll never fail you again so can you let go of your anger with me & make believe we could be happy once again & maybe this time i'll be the better version of me the one that once made you believe in ever after & maybe this time you won't lose that look in your eyes when they are inside mine for ever after & then you said i meant so much to you what a gift, what a bit of bliss or is this just my ignorance is this your trojan horse this was all for us, please don't say this was all for naught oh, my love because i still believe in you & me i still believe in ever after oh, my love but when you said i meant so much to you it was a gift, & it was a bit of bliss but it was just my ignornace it was your trojan horse this was all for us but this was all for naught i guess i wasn't meant to mean anything to you, i guess & i guess this is really the end
8.
i've got you everywhere but you don't want me anywhere near you when doves cry, when snow falls from the sky in books that i haven't read yet & in old letters that you sent i've got you everywhere but you don't want me anywhere near you on every onion calendar day that i rip away on every onion calendar day that i throw away i wonder if you cut & colored your hair again & i wonder if you still care that i got you everywhere but you don't want me anywhere near you
9.
it's called stealing when you take what isn't yours, but you're a clever thief & you've made my breath & my heart yours & now everyday, i will wait for a chance to make up for my mistakes it all made sense, but now it's all a mess & the story's not new, but for you, i'm a bruise & there are no words for what's gone away but for now there's time, & so i'll wait oh, what a waste you said to me what a lie you let me believe but what you thought you saw in me back when we were still happy a man to keep, upon whom you could lean that's still me, well, at least mostly & now i'm exhausted & i'm haunted by what you've seen & what i've been & i've lost the answer to the question of my life & the lesson cuts now every night but what you thought you saw in me in the midst of that wretched scene a man to leave, & at whom to scream that ain't me, it ain't me well, at least not mostly & now i'm exhausted & i'm haunted & i'm falling for you all over again, & again cuz it's called stealing when you take what isn't yours but, you're a clever thief & you've made my breath & my heart yours, my breathe & my heart, they'll stay yours

credits

released January 1, 2010

all words & music (written, performed, & recorded) by zach chase, copyright 2010.

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